The Dream…

I sit here riddled in pain. Physically, mentally, emotionally, utterly exhausted and tired, daydreaming about winning the lottery, publishers clearing house, or the HGTV dream home.  No, money can’t buy happiness or relief from the disease I suffer, but it could certainly ease the burden.   It can make things more bearable.  It can take the pressure off the anxiety of how my kids will be taken care of when I am eventually gone.  It would allow me to afford help to come to my home and take care of the tasks I can barely manage.  It can pay for the contractor to finish my projects that sit there silently blaming me for not completing them.  It can pay for our vacation to a peaceful place where we can reconnect as a family and draw strength from each other once again.

Ahhh, to dream the dream.  I’m sure there are lots of hours wasted dreaming about the what if’s of winning when the reality is so much more sobering, when it’s very unlikely to happen.  So I will concentrate on the here and now, slowly check off the overwhelming pile of uncompleted projects and tasks that sit there mocking me.  I’m not lazy, far from it, but it’s difficult to not feel like I am when my body is not cooperating with me or my mind is mush from brain fog.  It’s easy to feel like the burden when not so long ago, I was the rock.  It’s very difficult to pass of my responsibilities to others when I was the micromanager of past times, jumping in head first and tackling all like a whirlwind with limitless energy and ideas.  It’s hard not to dwell on those days.  I feel more like the sinking rock that drags you down to the depths of the ocean below, drowning in the sorrows and gasping for that last breath of air that fills with water instead.

But I’m the glue.  The glue that holds us all together, though frayed and dried and no longer strong as I was before.  Push through it, keep at it, strive to complete the goal and hang on for dear life while crying inside for some peace and a pain free existence.  Pain ever the sorrow that reminds me daily of my short comings, my health, frailty, and inability to be who I once was until I lay back in exhaustion and dream once again of having the right numbers, or my name be drawn and my existence can finally be at peace knowing that all will be taken care of.  Oh to dream…