Out of the blue one day, my son became obsessed with jewelry. Shiny sparkly jewelry. He was a huge fan of Bhad Bhabie and was geeked to see a concert coming nearby with Lil Yachty. Two birds with one stone. He was so pumped up and we even purchased his friend a ticket to go with him as that would have been his friends first concert. Imagine his disappointment when the show got cancelled and his hopes dashed. He held it in, but I could tell he was struggling.
Just the other day he made me sit and watch Lil Yachty go over his jewelry collection. His eyes, alight with glee, as he bugged out over the ‘beautiful’ pieces (beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder) and especially pumped over his Bort Simpson piece, the gang piece and the watches. He’s been slowly building his own collection but due to cost (poor us, lol), he has to settle for less real stones and damn, even those are wallet breaking. Seriously? But this is his passion (besides animals) and I could truly see him selling jewelry one day or making them as he can tell you all kinds of the terms that is like speaking Greek to me.
Why he chose rappers as his inspiration and idols is beyond me (no offense to the awesome rappers out there, I just prefer a little more Jesus). Though he has a recent interest in Billie Eilish and is totally geeked about her but her concert ticket prices are through the roof! Both of my kids like her. I feel for my kid, growing up in a world that is confusing to him, difficult to navigate and with a lot of limitations that make me question life sometimes. He seems to be developing my same health issues which I’m still trying to sort and life can be so damn cruel sometimes. Why do kids have to suffer? When God said he would never give more than one can bear, I question if I’m truly one of his. I must have failed Him and deep down I know I did because my plate is so full and overflowing with frustration and adversity, I’m struggling to hold on myself.
I live with multiple health issues and have been disabled for so long now. My time not being able to be used to help my kids navigate this world. Especially for my son who needs it most, suffering his own issues and feeling outcasted and alone. He has no real direction, motivation, or things to fill his time, nothing to look forward to or goals to work towards and I see this knowing it can cause more harm that good and yet I’m stuck like a log watching from a distance with little to offer and watching our world sink. A house note bigger than we should have in order to provide for family who needed a home, we give to much and receive so little. It’s just in our own nature to help others even when struggling ourselves.
I wish I could find that special person to help my son. To give him inspiration, motivation, something to look forward to and a goal to achieve worth staying around for. Honestly, I wish it were Jesus. I wish I had raised my kid in the church; even though I’m a bible believer, church is a bit more difficult for me as I’m not a hypocrite and try to live my life not as a judge and executioner but as a guiding light that apparently fizzled out along with my health. I wish I was rich and could take my son to meet his peeps he watches from afar, with glee in his eyes, and a smile on his face. I wish I could flood his box with the jewels he so desires. I know they won’t fill the void within but I also know it would give him a boost, some confidence, some happiness that is so few and far between in his young almost 15 years.
I’m his lifeline. I know this. I know that he trust me more than anyone in this world and he lives for me. His constant daily struggle of pain, restlessness, and deficits that he’s all too aware of and allows to bring him down. I feel my own candle going out and know he might not make it without me in his world. I just pray if they find cancer, it’s treatable and I can live long enough with enough relief from the pain to get back on my feet and truly help my son make it to adulthood. I pray they can find whatever other condition that holds me down and maybe some miracle a treatment that can give me a bit of my own life back and my sons as well. I hate to see my kids suffer. I’m fortunate my daughter is doing well and pray she is never touched by what ails us. I pray for a solution for our family, for hope, for happiness. The boat is in a rocky sea with violent waves throwing us to and fro, lost and helpless trying desperately to drain the water threatening to sink us. I pray for a miracle. I pray Jesus gives my son a glimpse into him like he did me as a child. I pray for healing for us all.
My son wanted to be a rapper. He wanted to succeed. But right now, he’s staring down a dark hole without the light to lead him out of it. I pray for that light.