Life’s Downward Spiral… Dreaming of the lottery…

I’m sitting here with a heavy feeling of depression in my gut and tears at the back of my eyes. I feel despondent and at a loss with gut wrenching disappointment and pain in my heart, dreaming of winning the lottery or coming into some money to pay off my debts and simply disappear to a new place far away from my current one. People have let me down. I have let me down. Family, what’s that anymore(?) have let me down.

What is wrong with people in our world?? Why is it that so many look to take advantage of others and then throw it in their face, blaming them instead of manning up and taking responsibility in life? Why?!

I’ve always been a giver, someone who would never leave my family to suffer without offering my hand. We’ve helped nearly every one of our family members at some point in life, even at the expense of ourselves, always at the expense of ourselves (my own family).

Finding out that family doesn’t have our back in kind, doesn’t care about all we’ve done, doesn’t even hold to their basic obligations is worse than a slap in the face. My son says I’m too soft. I’m a bit of an empath, absorbing the emotions of those around me and always trying to help those in need to the best that I’m able. We’ve made decent choices in life to get us where we are financially, living a middle class existence but even still have middle class bills so though we bring in more than some each month, we put out just as much, leaving us still struggling to stay on top of things. Yes, not the best choices and expensive bills. We could have done better. Hindsight..

We actually were doing better just a few years ago, finally paying off bills minus the mortgage and car and living in a nice house that we updated with blood, sweat, and tears as well as a lot of money. We didn’t bat an eye at an evening out for dinner or having a wild Christmas as we worked hard to get us in that place in life. (Or rather hubby did but my disability helps since my health was destroyed and so I guess I earned it by taking one for the team many many moons ago).

Yes, I spoil my children as is my right to do so and my money as well. It is not your business or anyone else’s why I do what I do or how I spend what I spend and most are long term consequences of growing up poor and living on the streets and not having the things my children now do so damn it, I earned that right!! And people who judge and think spoiled actions are the cause of certain behaviors from a child with disabilities can fuck off and try raising their own child with disabilities or maybe do a little research and realize that regardless of ‘things’ the children get, those with the same disabilities still act in kind. It’s the hand we were dealt and I know I’m not alone in this struggle as many many families have children with the same hardships and behaviors regardless of how their raised or the money they have. I’ve LEARNED that and it’s not hard to do a little research realizing the same so you can get off your high horse and quit assuming their, “simply spoiled..”

When you punch a 5 year old in the chest, leaving a red mark for hours, don’t you judge me. When you make your own decisions leaving yourself struggling financially, don’t judge me because we have and you do not. When you complain about having to pick up your own dog’s shit once a week saying my own dogs shits are bigger than her dogs shits… WTF? When you say that you want to live near us so you can help with our burden and don’t want to be a burden on us yet you move out leaving a room full of trash, not cleaned, furniture in our backyard and don’t bother to take care of your mess…. WTF? When you think your phone bill to me, that I pay for on my account, is not as important to pay as your other bills, constantly putting it off and paying late, leaving me asking for the money… WTF? (That’s all I’ve got for you, kid, cause you’ve grown up and become a man. Proud of you). When you call your son’s a pregnant wife a “fucking whore” just because and leave out pictures of his ex wife on purpose, someone you also hate… WTF? When you rant and rave during your son’s wedding, causing a scene and ruining the moment… WTF? When you look at my happy little ultrasound picture of the baby inside me and you say, “Looks like she has a penis nose…” WTF? When you purposely come out into the garage while my child is in a raging meltdown just to bate and record him, egging him on, WTF? When you ask whether I’m your sister or you landlord when I’m asking for money you owe me, WTF? When you lived barely paycheck to paycheck, sleeping on couches, cars, ect cause you didn’t have a home of your own and then you tell me living at my home is like living in a Palace and you’re grateful but then when money is due and you move out, not wanting to pay up and then complain about the living conditions, WTF?

I’m just sitting here with a heavy fucking heart thinking about, dwelling on, all the things family has said and done to me over the years and it just blows my mind. Yet we sold that beautiful home of ours to buy a run down giant fix me upper with tons of room and no storage so we can have a place for family to stay, mainly my mother who can’t afford to live on her own, and gave up our great neighbors, children’s friends, and a comfortable fat financial situation to live in a home at the top of our means, with credit cards and loans maxing out to do the necessary fixes to this crappy house and all I can think is hindsight…… Why the fuck can’t hindsight be foresight and work just as well in my disabled foggy ass brain? Cry me a river, I regret it all.

Now I sit here dreaming about winning the lottery after knowing where all the ungrateful family stands, wishing for that sliver of financial security again and a nice pot of gold so I can give what you gave and finally stand up tall against those who’ve thought it cool to simply take advantage cause we were in a good financial position and rather than working with us, you decided to work against us and act like an ass during the process.. That would be nice. My son says I’m too soft. Well I’m not so soft anymore. I’ve hardened my heart or will be after it’s done being broken and I finish my pity party, pull up my boot straps and start moving forward again. I dream of winning the lottery, knowing it’s not reality and like Murphy’s law, when your down on your luck, I already had the almost winning ticket with one number off on each one, like a taunt and a poke… and yet I still keep dreaming.

On top of all that, a man who thinks he’s rules the roost, taking money away from my mom’s spousal support, 4 of 5 hundred court ordered and yet he takes and she has no backbone or knowledge to get it handled, depending on me to help her while I sit here bitter knowing that she rarely helps in turn and yet on top of that money, he owes her 2100$ (ish) in tax money he stole, $1200 in the stimulus check wrongly deposited into his account, and half of a check sent from the escrow on the house they sold… He thinks he can continue to control and dominate her financially while getting away with it and ignoring the court’s order and so far he has. She just needs to file the paperwork which is actually not easy to find due to crappy court system but I’d already started it for her and she’s too intimidated to get it done, again, waiting on me. If I don’t help her then she’s stuck with very little funds to live off which means it falls on our shoulders in the end. That will change. Mark (his name, haha) my words. That WILL change. Only scumbags take money from others…. Seems a lot of those around.

I’m not perfect. I make my own mistakes, I’m a sucky parent, mostly due to being disabled and having severe fatigue and body wide pain keeping me laid up on my back most days and brain fog with sensory issues leaving me seeking peace and quiet due to brain overload and I feel the heavy guilt every single minute of it. The guilt weighs me down and drags me to dark places knowing I don’t provide enough of the emotional support my children need even though they are indeed spoiled, making it up in one area but leaving deficits in others and I hate myself because of it. If I had one wish between money and health, I’d choose health every time cause I have enough skills and knowledge to do great things and yet I sit here, a blob, doing nothing but day dreaming of winning that damn lottery.

This crisis with the virus has really given prime opportunity to see how family reacts and how seriously they take the health of others, namely myself who suffers too many health issues placing me at high risk. I found it to be the old folks, who are also suppose to be at risk, who could care the least, living with the mentality that they if they get the virus, oh well, not stopping to realize that those actions can directly affect me, or not caring in the least… Yup, I know where everyone stands now. A bitter little pill I’m left to swallow. Daydreaming about living in another state, Oregon maybe, and buying a little homestead with lots of trees, where I can live in my own little oasis in peace away from all those who don’t truly value family and put their needs above themselves, a trait ingrained into us military folks… So I sit and dream…..

Mixed Emotions… The Virus Experience

I’ve discovered, during this virus situation, that my obsessive need to control my situation has led to intense bouts of anxiety and a ping ponging mix of emotions while living life in lock down and practicing social distancing. One minute, I’m perfectly fine with thoughts of this virus situation being overblown while the next minute I’m freaked out and obsessively trying to avoid catching it. I’m living with a roller coaster ride of emotions and ultimately, it boils down to my need for control.

Uncertainty sucks. With little being truly known, or simply being kept from us, about this virus, it’s hard to know how seriously to take it. I rarely get sick, but when I get sick, I get seriously sick! My immune system is actually pretty good considering how many health issues I battle but when struck with even the flu, it’s pretty serious for me. I do NOT want to catch this virus. I’ve heard everything from it being like HIV to being similar to the flu. From being immune to having it settle in the body and reactivating. Those living with ME/CFS know all about viruses living dormant in the body and choosing to come out and attack you from within. Though we don’t even have certainty with the cause of ME/CFS, the thought process is out there regarding a virus being a possible culprit. Are we adding another, even more damaging virus to the possibilities that already exist for us, living dormant in the body and breaking us down over time?

Those of us who struggle already with health issues that keep us living a normally functioning life understand just how precious life can be and just how serious we need to take this virus, regardless of the mixed messages about it. Those who are healthy will never truly understand our fears, our precautions, our anxiety… they don’t live day to day fighting to simply get up without pain and/or fatigue to manage even self care on the daily. Never has the above been so apparent than it is now, while dealing with a potentially devastating virus. Seeing how family members respond and how they either seek to protect themselves and us during this time or act carelessly around us has been very enlightening.

I discovered that most of my anxiety revolves around control. I simply do NOT have control over my own life and this virus when living with other members of the family and finding myself having to depend on each and every one of them to keep both themselves and each other safe during this time. I’ve dealt with control issues since I was a child. I simply cannot control every factor of my life and have the assurance that those around me will have my best interest in mind. Trust is hard to come by and I’m learning that truly, you can only trust yourself and that’s a sad reality that’s become glaringly obvious during this pandemic.

Trust is a fragile emotion, easily broken, and hard to build or maintain. I have little trust, reassurance, or control and that causes my anxiety to flare and my emotions to bounce all over the place. It is what it is and it’s just who I am. I’m not a very emotional person and tend to compartmentalize quite well. This makes me appear cold at times but it’s simply my mechanism of handling emotions that I hold close to the vest and keep guarded quite tightly. I’m not cold. I just handle my emotions differently. Childhood had a major impact on making me who I am and how I handle things. It is what it is..

When dealing with a situation like this, it becomes apparent who really has your best interest at heart and who doesn’t. That doesn’t help those with anxiety and truly highlights that obsessive need to control and the obvious little control we truly have. Each and every person in the home has the same job of protecting each other and themselves during this time. Each action affects those in the household. We’re not simply responsible for ourselves in a situation like this, we’re responsible for each other. Each action having a ripple effect that touches those around you leading to possible consequences that can be deadly. Think about that for a minute. It’s a good opportunity to see who is taking things seriously, who is flaunting their control in your face, and who could care less about your life when it comes down to the bottom line….

Maybe they don’t realize the psychology of it. Maybe they don’t realize the very basic need that exists to survive and how paramount trust is right now. Are they so shallow and self absorbed that they don’t even realize the reality of it? Poking fun and taking risks just to laugh inside themselves and thinking it’s all a game? Maybe this virus isn’t as bad as some say. But maybe it is. I don’t have all the answers. I can only live and react with the information given and give this experience a trial run of a SHTF apocalypse situation, with much self evaluation and garnering insight about those around me.

I have time on my hands at the moment and being a deep thinker, this situation has truly given me a look into my world during a crisis and rather than simply reading about it in one of my post apocalyptic story books, a chance to actually live in a SHTF situation on a small level, giving me more insight into both myself and that of my community. I just wish others would take this time to reflect on how fragile life can be and how important building trust and community really is. Those of us with health issues that dominate our lives already know a little about this. We know about isolation. We know about the need to rely upon others at times and how fickle people can be. Now we have a chance to really know seriously or not those around us take things. How important they place our life and health and how well we can trust they’ll have our backs, making sure not to expose us to something that can be more devastating to us than most.

I wonder how those people would feel if the shoes were on the other foot… How paranoid would they be if they’re own lives were lorded over by someone else. How they would react knowing the risks to themselves and having someone else take that risk so carelessly. Deep down inside, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to wanting to show people exactly how that feels. I’m not cold, I’m just tired of people being so damn self absorbed and careless with their own actions. Tired of seeing others think it’s all a big joke failing to realize the domino effect they put in place with their own actions and how failing to realize how important it is to protect each other and build that trust, is the real foundation to a deeper relationship with others.

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know what the truth of this situation is. I only know I have anxiety over the severity of it, the need to control those around me to keep my own life and my children’s life safe in the event that this virus is as bad as some say and the realization that some of those closest to me don’t have our best interest at heart. That’s a hurtful discovery. But at least now I know. It just makes me think, that if I had money and a bug out shelter in the event of a large scale SHTF scenario, my circle of peeps would be quite small. Trust. It’s important. Maybe think about what truly matters in life.