Dying… One day at a time

I’ve been sick a long time. As I’ve navigated the medical system trying to solve all the pieces to the puzzle, I’ve been left adrift at sea, floating aimlessly towards the waterfall taking me over the edge and to the other side. Unfortunately, doctors don’t seem to see the waterfall in front of me.

My body is falling apart. I have so many health issues taking my body in different directions but one in particular is driving me downwards on this spiral towards death that I feel deep in my gut, my heart, and my mind and yet I don’t think the doctors and specialists have an inkling of how serious my condition is or even a true understanding of what I’m suffering. I can only feel it as I fight the system, begging them to figure out what is tearing my life apart.

It’s not my ME/CFS causing this spiral. It’s not my connective tissue tearing me apart. Fibro doesn’t escalate. In 2015, I began to experience body wide vibrations which feel akin to holding onto an electrical current that pulses through my body at various intensities. It’s not left me since it first began though at times it’s barely perceivable. It’s either an issue of the muscles or the nerves but not one answer has been forthcoming. At it’s strongest, it’s been felt by others in my thigh muscles, where it seems the strongest.

In addition, my legs became like jello with heavy weights and difficulty in moving them. That feeling is not as bad as it use to be and seems to have gotten better. I’m left with fatigued muscles and a perceived slight weakness in my legs. I developed weakness in my hands as well. Not terribly, but enough to notice as I drop things much more often and don’t seem to have as much strength as I use to. I had a tremor at that time which has since disappeared only to rear it’s ugly head every now and then. Shaking in my legs that are visible and annoying that comes on out of nowhere to simply disappear once again.

I do have something neurological plaguing me. My feet lack sensation. My legs and hands go numb or tingly and I’ve had burning sunburn feeling for months in my back, a warm liquid sensation down my legs, burning patches on my skin, cold ice sensations in the back of my head and random neurological symptoms that come and go out of nowhere. The pain is body-wide. The pain and fatigue rule my life like no other. Pain in my muscles, my joints, and what I can only explain as a raw nerve like pain which predominates in my lower back, hips and legs.

My gait changed on me several years ago. It’s like the signal in my mind did not match the signal in my body. My mind tried to walk at normal pace but my feet did not operate at that speed and I took a few falls. My legs don’t seem to want to take the fast large paces I’d been accustomed to as I now walk with a short slower shuffle. It’s odd. When I try to walk faster, I can trip over my feet. The pain in my hips, thighs and butt has been severely intense requiring around the clock pain meds in order to function. I can’t stand long nor walk far without the pain increasing.

I developed faciculations about two years ago. Predominately in my thighs and butt muscles. Last year around August, I started dropping weight. In addition, my butt muscles atrophied. They’re gone. My round bulbous fat booty is no longer. My skin sags off my backside and I’m flat and unsightly back there. The fasiculations continue. On occasion, they have moved to my mid spinal area on the left side. I developed pain there shortly after. My back muscles feel weak. My shoulders and neck are weak. It’s hard to sit or stand unsupported. I’ve not had many fasiculations in the upper body though recently started them in my right arm in the back with a single muscle that flared up in pain. Will I atrophy there next?

Back in 2015, I developed cognitive dysfunction. Words were coming out backwards, memory issues, and brain fog. I told my hubby something was wrong with my brain. They found lesions. Only three small lesions, two in the frontal lobe and one in the occipital lobe but tiny and nonspecific. No answers were forthcoming. Though my speech has gotten better, my voice box is not the same. My voice had become more horse and deeper than it had before around the same time as my memory issues hit. Recently, I’ve had a few minor episodes of losing my voice momentarily. I developed a cough around two years ago. I am a smoker so there’s that.

I suffer from internal spasms. Colon spasms, diaphragm spasms and esophageal spasms. I can choke on my own saliva. This too got worse a few years ago. It seems to come and go like a roller coaster ride but the difficulty in swallowing is more consistent, there are period where I can ignore it as well as periods where I can hardly eat. Last year, I started dropping weight. I lost over 15 pounds in a few short months and from then, 135, to now 110. I have difficulty with my appetite. I don’t often feel the sensation of hunger. My bowels don’t often feel the sensation to defecate though I feel it at the sphincter area, not in my abdomen. Sometimes eating causes pain and or nausea. It’s hard to eat much and I get full quickly.

I just recently had surgery both exploratory and a hysterectomy. The doctor found endometriosis and removed it along with adhesion’s on my liver which were removed. The shocking part, during exploratory, he watched as my bowels danced in front of him, on their own accord, something he’d never seen in his many many years as a doctor. Even under anesthesia, my bowels had a mind of their own and they spasmed over and over again. I can only be thankful this was seen so that I can get a write up to share with my gastrologist who has yet to dig deep into my digestive issues. I feel no one has really taken me seriously thus far. Symptoms of pseudo-obstruction or volovus which I’ve mentioned yet no scans were ordered for me..

My surgeon, upon meeting with me during recovery, immediately mentioned my need for a neurologist. I’ve seen three already…. He gave me a suggestion and I realized it’s one I’ve researched prior and tried to see but was denied a few years ago. Maybe now, with his recommendation and write up, she’ll accept my request. Will I finally get answers to the neurological part of my health issues that have plagued me for so long?

Is it one progressive condition or two separate conditions due to the length of symptoms over 20 years and recent seriousness or change over the last 4 to 5 years.. I don’t know. I do know I’m progressing. I feel my body dying and yet the doctors around me are oblivious of my plight until I’ve hit the anger stage and simply told them straight up, “I’m dying.” That’s a huge risk given how often we’re accused of being ‘hysterical’ “somatic symptom disorder’ or simply ‘overly anxious.’ But I’m simply done caring what they think of me mentally, something that bothered me greatly before. Now, I just want some damn answers. I need help. I AM DYING. The roller coaster ride has had a downward trend over the last several years and the progression is noticeable.

It’s fatiguing to talk. I can no longer sing without serious exhaustion. My body is tight and painful and never seems to truly relax. My thigh has spacisity. My butt is atrophic. My spasms persist. My inability to hold myself up without fatigue and pain has intensified. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. I am in pain. I have lassitude.

The system is slow and uncaring. Prayerfully soon, I’ll get answers. Since surgery, I’ve had this insistent clicking/clunking in my sternum/chest area. My hubby can feel it and I can hear it. It’s bizarre! Is it my sternum due to my connective tissue disease or my mitral valve? Is it diaphragm spasms? The hiccups are constant but an issue I’ve had for a while now. The clicking is new. I’ll mention it to my doctor during my follow up. Just another annoying symptom to add to the list of many. Will I get answers? Will I ever know what ails me? I’m starting to think I won’t….

2 thoughts on “Dying… One day at a time

  1. Just read this. I truly hope you find answers, followed by actual, professional, compassionate treatment. 🙏❤ I know that compassionate treatment is becoming a rarity, but I hope you’re the exception. Please, keep us posted.

    Liked by 1 person

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