Living my life through a window’s view..

Hubby made a comment yesterday about one of his work ladies bringing her baby to work. He got to hold and cuddle the little one and he was geeked about it. It stung. I realized I’m starting to feel insecure and jealous and I don’t want to be that person. I’m missing out on even the simple things in life to bring one some happiness. I feel trapped behind these four walls. I see life passing me by and I’m only in my early 40’s. I should be living it up before my 50’s strike. I’ve been ill since my early 20’s with periods of time where I was managing ok but the last, going on 6 years now, have only been a downward sloap with no real periods of remission.

I have so many health issues that they seem to feed off each other, one flaring up the other and making things worse. It’s embarrassing how many conditions affect me. I don’t want to be that person. I am that person. I hate it.  I’ve always wondered deep down if I had never joined the military, if I’d be much healthier today. That was the catalyst. I’m certain of that.  I was pretty healthy before hand and it didn’t take long to start attacking my body, shortly after joining. Was it the vaccines? The abundance of physical activity? Some other kind of exposure? I do know I’m not alone in what I suffer as there are so many veterans going through the same. Maybe we all have a certain genetic disposition that caused us all to express certain genes that might otherwise have remained dormant? I have found that many of us are hypermobile. Many have gone on to be diagnosed with ehlers-danlos or hypermobility syndrome. Is that the link? But not all of them have that.

What we have in common is ME/CFS, fibro, IBS, chronic headaches, and unexplained neurological signs and symptoms. There’s more but that’s what the VA will compensate for. A lot of us also have GERD, other stomach issues, IBD (which they deny the link), migraines, and other problems involving our joints and muscles. Various cancers run higher in veterans as well as MS, parkinsons, ALS, and other problems. I can logically understand arthritis and wearing and tearing of our joints due to all the physical requirements. That makes sense. But what about the rest of it? That’s where things get murky. What do we all have in common? Why do we all suffer so many similarities? Even if the general population were to start having the same health issues at the rate of veterans, we were the first. At least that I’m aware of, so it started with us vets.

So many studies to get to the root of the issue and yet most of that money seemed wasted on studying stress and the human body. Not all of us were put under loads of stress. I guess putting the focus on stress makes it easier to blame the mind that any physical exposures we might all have in common. No government would want to admit to that, but it’s what most of us are thinking.

We will probably never get any real answers. At least not while still walking this earth, or in my case, watching life pass me by out the windows of my home, stuck behind these four walls, and sinking into a funk, wishing myself well again. You can only hold on to hope for so long. As the years pass by, that hope gets heavier and heavier to hold onto. Trying to keep a positive mind frame but when you’re riddled with pain that’s inadequately treated, it has a way of making hope, that much heavier.

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