My Letter About Opioids

I was once physically active. I was in the military ready to fight for our country and give my life if need be. But I got sick. I’ve been sick since service and getting steadily worse over the last 19 years. The last 5 years have been brutal on me. My life was taken too young. I’m too young to have a handicap plate, says one doctor. I’m too young to have a wheelchair, I’m too young!! Well, disease doesn’t discriminate. Here I am watching my children lose their mother. All the activities I did for my son, I can not do for my daughter. “I want my momma back” says my daughter. She misses our play time, my attention, my cuddles. Don’t touch me, it hurts. I can’t go, I have a migraine. I’m sorry I didn’t cook dinner…again… I have lassitude and standing hurts. I’m sorry we can’t go, I can’t walk and it’s not wheelchair accessible. I’m sorry I can’t play that game with you, I have sensory issues right now and am in a flare up. I’m sorry I can’t take my son to all his special needs appointments, my driving is being hindered and my body is in too much pain to leave the house. I lay here, my upper body not wanting to support me being upright. My frame is a skeleton as my muscles atrophy and my weight is gone. I get partial paralysis when the temperatures drop so I can’t move real well. I live for every few hours when I can take that little pill to allow me to move for two more hours. I have come to rely upon that pill to get on my feet. I still can’t walk far or stand long, but I can do a little bit with that little pill. Imagine what I can do if I had a dose strong enough to knock back most of my pain. Imagine having a bit of my life back again so I can be there for my children and keep them out of trouble, giving them the attention they need as a parent. I don’t know what my future holds or how long I will live to see my kids grow up, but I would like to. I would like to without the pain that cripples me because I’m undermedicated. I have a high metabolism and a high starting tolerance. It’s just how my body was made. I’ve exhausted other resources and opioids work and work well for me. I don’t get high. I don’t get euphoric or even sleepy. I don’t understand how others can abuse them as they do nothing to my mind, only relieve the pain either a little or a lot depending on how much I’m given. I’m tired of being treated like a criminal or druggy for needing a med to survive just like a diabetic who is dependent upon insulin. I need my benzo to sleep as I’ve tried all the others and a safe alternative made me stop breathing. My body is different than others. My benzo stops the muscles that tighten and spasm and cause dystonia like symptoms. It’s the only thing that works as muscle relaxers have no effect on me. I don’t know why. It’s just how I’m made. I’ve taken them safely for years. I don’t take them at the same time and I’m smart with my meds. It’s my body and my right, right? When did others acquire the right to make medical decisions about MY body?
Here it is in a nut shell, I would be more than happy to sign whatever form giving consent to increase my meds to a dosage high enough to combat the pain and give me a quality of living risking death any day. I would rather have some semblance of a life and risk dying from my meds than to live here in agony and risk dying from being unable to tolerate the pain anymore. Where does that leave my kids? My family? I’m the glue that holds them together. I’m in palliate care though see a typical pain management center and yet I still don’t get enough meds to function. I’m not going to ever get better and I’m now watching my own child deal with my pain as it passed down to him as well. He’s a teenager. He’s tried tylenol and NSAIDS (He’s lucky he doesn’t have my mutation that doesn’t process NSAIDS), but they don’t work for his pain. I’m so scared for him. Will he ever get the opportunity to use what has worked so well for me at the right dose? He already doesn’t want to live. He lives for me right now. I can’t imagine what will happen to him when I’m gone. He has no hope for his future and I’m losing hope for mine.
Do you want a productive society? Truly? Like any meds there are risks. Like any med there are benefits. I should have the right to chose what I put into my body and stick with what works and use the appropriate amount for MY body to be productive, to give back, to help society rather than lay here crippled and watch my family fall apart because someone without chronic pain decided they wanted to make my medical decisions for me. I’ll take death and pain relief over this hell my life has become. I’m a veteran and I’m suffering and now my child is is suffering as well. Cannabis might be an option for some, but it is not an option for me. It should be legal for those it does help, but I chose my current med as I don’t get high and it really truly works when at the right dosage. I chose life. For now.