I’m not alive. I live for you. For my kids. For my mother. For the few that would be devastated by my demise. Not for myself. I’ve long given up my own life. I smile, I pretend, and I keep going just to keep the thread together.
None of you see. We are all guilty of own selfish thinking. How many times have I hinted at my miserable existence? How many times have I cried out to have you say something in passing and not give me a second glance? Are you frozen in your state? Do you not hear me or do you even care?
Knocking on the door of death
Bitter tears cascade a path
In valleys deeply flow
The joy that was once bright in mind
Withers as a faded glow
It’s not quite what I hoped would be
Expectations hopes and dreams
Turn bitter as realization gleans
It life’s long journey what I see
Please escape out the front door.
I’ve left it open for you.
You always sneak out the back.
But there obvious signs that can’t be hidden
The draft still lingers from your escape.
The smell of air can’t be extinguished.
The melted layers of my nasal cavity can’t be regrown.
The damage is done.
It’s not forgotten.
I thought we had an understanding?
I’ve think I’ve had enough of you!
People are starting to talk.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to leave my house anymore.
The gurgling’s vamped up
I can’t get through a meal no more
No friends won’t come to sup
I think I’m in shock
I do not feel
I was told of their deaths
It’s just not real
I sit in a fog
I look and wait
They’ll be back
They’re just running late
I look to the door
I listen for the sound
What’s taking so long
My heads starting to pound
The anxiety is building
I’m feeling sick
Where the hell are they
Please get back quick
The pit is growing
Overcome by despair
As my senses wake up
I become aware
I’m tired of dying every day and being uncomfortable in my own skin. Of watching the light fade from my children’s eyes as another mention of “not right now” whispers through their ears and the ensuing frustration and defeat that washes upon their faces… my kids need me now. My hubby needs me now. My mother needs me now. My family needs me now. Tomorrow might not get here and time flies, moments pass, needs go unfulfilled looking for outlets and something to fill the void from avenues best left discarded.
I remember those times. My children are there now and yet I’m here, I see, I know, but I’m not present and I see this being fulfilled while my body falls apart and my mind wants to spiral. To be so dependent on a stinking little pill to wash away the pain and fatigue yet such controversy on something so tiny that gives me life in a way few will understand. No high needed or received, just relief, blessed relief from the torture my body inflicts upon me. Some days, not near enough, leaving me so despondent, I rather wither away and free my family from the burden I feel I’ve become.
The negative thoughts and heavy weights weighing them down like a chain around their necks in a sinking ship lost at sea. To free them. To free myself. To put an end to the drain on this life and allow healing to begin and forward movement on their own journeys this life will bring. May they never be saddled with these illnesses that grip me so tightly, squeezing the life out of me. But it’s heritable. It’s the gift that never seems to end. One generation to the next. My burden, my cross to bear laid upon the shoulders of my tender children and the guilt that consumes me because of it. My fault.