I often wonder what my purpose in life is. I believe in God. I do. I have no doubt about Him but I have been blessed early to have known Him and have felt Him and have experienced Him beyond just educational material given to me. I have felt His presence. I have had unexplainable moments in my life. I have been touched by Him.
But what is my purpose? Why is there so much suffering in this life? Even through all the beautiful moments in this world, why can life be so damn cruel? My life was, by no means, normal growing up. I didn’t have a loving father and mother who raised me to adulthood, watching out and caring for me. But I did have God. I did have his protection through the storms and chaos that ruled my world.
I know I haven’t made the best choices starting out but I have done my best in most things. I’ve certainly given much love to my own children, shielding them from the pain and suffering that I had endured. They have two parents that love them dearly, they have all their needs met. They are loved. They are fought for and probably very spoiled. They know we love them.
You either grow up to perpetuate the same cycles upon your children or you do the opposite. I did the opposite. Never did I want them to experience different dads, abuse, neglect, or coldness. Never did I want them on the streets looking for love and someone to understand them. Never did I want to repeat the vicious cycle my own mother repeated with me and my brothers growing up. It stopped with me. And it stopped. .
I have been married only once, still in love with the man who stole my heart and made me his and gave me his children and loved me and adored me. I do not doubt his love for me or our children. We are loved. We are taken care of. We are provided for. We were blessed in that regard. Truly blessed.
The thought of dying has and leaving my family destroys me inside. Why must life be so cruel? My children cling to me. My children are attached at the hip, a hip I never want severed from them. Funny it’s my hip that hurts me most.
I want my children to be independent, self sufficient, confident, loved, and able to navigate this world on their own one day. I want them happy. I do not care if they are famous, if they are rich, if they are extinguished educated and white collar. I only want them satisfied and fulfilled in whatever makes them happy in life. Whether that be working at a cannabis (insert laugh face here) shop or a fashion designer, store clerk, or living on social security if needed. I only want them happy, content, and self supporting.
I want them to give of themselves to others, to be kind, and caring, compassionate. To love fully and to experience joys in life. I do not want them beaten down, demolished, unhappy, and overtaken by the pains in this world. I do not want to die and be taken from them, destroying them and forever affecting their course in life. I do not want to be responsible for their pain.
What is my purpose? What is the point of surviving all that I did at a young age, to rise above, to break the cycle, to dig my way out of the existence given to me only to suffer from chronic pain, health issues so many that slowly steal my life away. What is my purpose? Did I waste what was given to me? Is it my fault? Did I chose the wrong path, not give enough of myself or do the right things?
To be continued…